Today I am in a funk. I think about the people who I would typically talk to often and haven't lately. Maybe they are tired of hearing me be depressed? Maybe they don't know what to say (which I do understand). It makes me look back and realize when someone I knew was going through something bad, all the things I said may not have been "the right things to say." The only right thing anyone could say to me right now is that she will be okay (and mean it). I think some of them just do not understand how scary this really is. They do not know the words that come up when you do a search for neutropenia. They do not understand that the words you see are a parent's worst fear. I wouldn't have ever known either.
It just really pisses me off that everyone goes about living their normal lives while we feel like ours is spinning out of control. Not that I expect them to do anything else. This is just me going through my emotions. I am praying constantly for God to fill me with nothing but love, hope and understanding. I actually feel guilty for the thoughts I have been feeling. I guess if I really think about it though I am full of love for my sweet family and full of hope that everything will be okay.
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The unknown can be the scariest feeling. Not knowing what's going to happen in the future can drive you nuts. Your perfect world is changing right before you and everyone is going on their merry way. You have a love hate relationship with God. Nothing makes sense- at least this is the way I felt. I know that our situations are different, but when something is going on with your child I think as parents we go through very similar feelings. I know that you are scared, and I am scared for her too. Just remember you have family and friends that that love you all and want nothing but the best. Many will say stupid things or nothing at all, not because they don't care but simply because they do not know how to convey their true feelings. Remember to be strong for her and Jud, but don't bottle up your feelings in doing so. Thinking and praying for you all. Call me if you need to talk or vent, I'm always here and my heart tells me shes gonna be okay {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteThanks Helen, I know you have had these feelings too.
ReplyDeleteKristy- I am always here for you. I'm one of those who doesn't really know what to say but I will listen whole-heartedly. I can't even begin to imagine what y'all are dealing with right now but I do understand the "unknown" part of it. I think about y'all every day. I hope the blood tests give y'all something to work with- bc the unknown part kills me. Thanks for doing the blog- Tim asks about y'all everyday with questions I don't know the answers to. He sends y'all prayers and well wishes, too. Send our love and lots of hugs and kisses to Pax.
ReplyDelete-Kelsey
Praying for you all my sweet friend. I feel like one of the jerks who can't ever say the right thing. I wanted to pray with you the other day over the phone but didn't know the 'right' thing to say so I didn't .... wish I would have. I know how hard it is when your life is upside down and the world keeps on going..... it's not fair. I'm praying for peace, hope and healing. Love you all <3
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